- UID
- 28509
- 经验
- 4565
- 粮饷
- 330
- 最后登录
- 2017-5-27
- 在线时间
- 998 小时
Lv.7
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i=s本帖最后由破音于2015-3-3110:20编辑/ip=30,2,leftsize=4color=8b0000才华横溢奖里面的:/color/size/pp=30,2,leftsize=3sp关羽:/size/pp=30,2,leftsize=3(1)武圣:color=ff0000枫林醉清秋/color的一句台词:color=800080刀起,魂灭/colorcolor=000000,缺乏历史代入感,虽然能表现关公勇猛,但是却有一种/colorcolor=ff0000神话的,/colorcolor=800080过分渲染/colorcolor=ff0000色彩/colorcolor=000000,我建议修改一下,/colorcolor=ff0000个人建议/colorcolor=000000****改成:刀起,敌溃/刀起,头落/color/size/pp=30,2,leftsize=3color=000000sp香香:/color/size/pp=30,2,leftsize=3color=000000(2)/color/sizesize=3良助/size:size=3color=ff0000乂恃才放旷/color/sizesize=3color=000000的一句台词:/color/sizesize=3color=800080兰心生良策,烈胆助/color/sizesize=3color=ff0000龙/color/sizesize=3color=800080威。/color/sizesize=3color=000000这里面这个龙字与/color/sizesize=3color=800080子龙/color/sizesize=3color=000000中龙字有歧义,此时貌似刘备尚未登记称帝,所以,建议把/color/sizesize=3color=ff0000龙/color/sizesize=3color=000000字改成/color/sizesize=3color=ff0000君/color/sizesize=3color=000000字。/color/size/pp=30,2,leftsize=3color=000000(3)/color/sizesize=3返乡:/sizesize=3color=ff0000o神之降临o/color/sizesize=3color=000000的一句台词:/color/sizesize=3color=ff0000亲母/colorcolor=800080病重,孝女当归/color,设计的很有代入感,也相当符合历史,color=ff0000但是/colorcolor=000000,这里语序有问题,/colorcolor=ff0000亲母/colorcolor=000000改为/colorcolor=ff0000母亲/colorcolor=000000,读起来更加通顺。/colorcolor=ff0000亲母/colorcolor=000000虽然是亲生母亲的意思,但是读成/colorcolor=ff0000母亲/colorcolor=000000更符合正常语序和习惯。/color/size/pp=30,2,leftsize=3color=000000(4)返乡:/color/sizesize=3color=ff000038命/color/sizesize=3color=000000的一句台词:/color/sizesize=3color=800080落叶/color/sizesize=3color=ff0000终/color/sizesize=3color=800080归根,孤雁/color/sizesize=3color=ff0000终/color/sizesize=3color=800080归还/color/sizesize=3color=000000。这两句话的确有意境,/color/sizesize=3color=ff0000但是/color/sizesize=3color=000000,两个/color/sizesize=3color=ff0000终/color/sizesize=3color=000000字的使用有重复性,读起来让人感到/color/sizesize=3color=ff0000累赘/color/sizesize=3color=000000,建议把第一句的/color/sizesize=3color=ff0000终/color/sizesize=3color=000000改为须/color/sizesize=3color=ff0000。/color/sizesize=3color=000000效果是:/color/sizesize=3color=800080落叶须归根/color/sizesize=3color=000000。/color/size/pp=null,2,leftsize=3color=000000sp姜维:/color/size/pp=30,2,leftsize=3color=000000(5)奋困:/color/sizesize=3color=ff0000堇叶秋暝丶/color的一句台词:/sizesize=3color=800080困守/colorcolor=ff0000非/colorcolor=800080良策,奋战/colorcolor=ff0000突/colorcolor=800080险围。/colorcolor=000000设计的反应出姜维的果断和大胆,/colorcolor=ff0000但是,/colorcolor=000000这里面/colorcolor=ff0000非/colorcolor=000000字和/colorcolor=ff0000突/colorcolor=000000字词性不对仗。/colorcolor=ff0000非/colorcolor=000000是助词,/colorcolor=ff0000突/colorcolor=000000是动词,****把突字换成一个/colorcolor=800080助词,形容词,/colorcolor=000000我这里建议/colorcolor=800080后半句话/colorcolor=000000改成:奋战/colorcolor=ff0000勇/colorcolor=800080突围/color/size/pp=30,2,leftsize=3color=000000(6)奋困:/colorcolor=ff0000诸葛彦先生/color的一句台词:color=800080而今身陷囹圄,安能坐以待毙。/colorcolor=000000这整句话就有问题,姜维何时/colorcolor=800080身陷囹圄/colorcolor=000000?/color囹圄color=000000在古代被解释为监狱,就算到现代也不可以意译为/colorcolor=800080险境/colorcolor=000000,/colorcolor=800080古代有很多词语能够表达困境,险境,危难的境地/colorcolor=000000,/colorcolor=ff0000囹圄/colorcolor=000000这个词不是****。/colorcolor=ff0000前半句/colorcolor=000000可以改成:/colorcolor=800080而今身陷重围/colorcolor=000000(是那个意思即可)/color/size/pp=30,2,leftcolor=000000size=3(7)逢亮/size:/colorsize=3color=ff0000張仲良/color/sizesize=3color=000000的一句台词:/color/sizesize=3color=800080今逢丞相,得以器重,/color/sizesize=3color=ff0000宏我大志/color/sizesize=3color=800080。/color/sizesize=3color=000000不知为何读起来不通顺。总感觉伯约真的读出来这句台词,到显得有点像献媚阿谀小人一般别扭。希望慎重。可能说的有点过了。。可能的确是能宏大志向,但是。。很难说通顺。/color/size/pp=30,2,leftsize=3color=000000(8)挑衅:/color/sizesize=3color=ff0000枫林醉清秋/color/sizesize=3color=000000的一句台词:/color/sizesize=3color=800080藏头露尾,/color/sizesize=3color=ff0000可/color/sizesize=3color=800080是大丈夫所为?/color/sizesize=3color=000000这一个/color/sizesize=3color=ff0000可/color/sizesize=3color=000000字****了这句话的意境,建议把/color/sizesize=3color=ff0000可/color/sizesize=3color=000000字改为/color/sizesize=3color=ff0000岂/color/size/pp=30,2,leftfont=微软雅黑size=3color=ff00ff/color/size/font/pp=30,2,leftcolor=800080font=微软雅黑size=3才情纵横/size/fontfont=微软雅黑size=3奖:/size/font/color/pp=30,2,leftsize=3color=000000(1)单骑:/color/sizesize=3color=ff0000梦影雾花v/color/sizesize=3color=000000的一句台词:/color/sizesize=3color=ff0000厚恩/color/sizesize=3color=708090阵前/color/sizesize=3color=800080报,桃园/color/sizesize=3color=ff0000梦中/color/sizesize=3color=800080寻。/color/sizesize=3color=000000意境挺好,不过/color/size/pp=30,2,leftsize=3color=0000001曹丞相的确对关羽有/color/sizesize=3color=ff0000厚恩/color/sizesize=3color=000000,不过关羽回到原来蜀国阵营过程中会把这句话挂在嘴边么?而且/color/sizesize=3color=ff0000阵前/color/sizesize=3color=000000报,/color/sizesize=3color=ff0000阵前/color/sizesize=3color=000000岂是儿戏,刀下怎能容情?关羽/color/sizesize=3color=800080挂印封金/color/sizesize=3color=000000,此刻的心情,虽然会记得丞相厚恩,但是此刻,/color/sizesize=3color=ff0000表明的是与魏国不同的立场/color/sizesize=3color=000000。不妥。/color/size/pp=null,2,leftsize=3color=0000002桃园梦中寻:关羽/colorcolor=ff0000单骑/colorcolor=000000的原因不就是去找/colorcolor=ff0000大哥和三弟/colorcolor=000000么?已经踏上了路途,怎么还是在/colorcolor=ff0000梦中寻找/colorcolor=000000?这已经不是做梦了,这是实干的去找大哥三弟了。/color/size/pp=null,2,leftsize=3color=000000(2)返乡:/color/sizesize=3color=ff0000相忘江湖丶鱼/color/sizesize=3color=000000的一句台词:/color/sizesize=3color=800080今/color/sizesize=3color=ff0000昔/color/sizesize=3color=800080一别,重逢不再。/color/sizesize=3color=000000挺工整的,/color/sizesize=3color=ff0000但是,/color/sizesize=3color=ff0000今/color/sizesize=3color=000000字可以理解为/color/sizesize=3color=ff0000离别那一刻的/color/sizesize=3color=000000心情,/color/sizesize=3color=ff0000昔/color/sizesize=3color=000000字呢?昔这个字本来就是表示过去,怎能在此出现?大概有些语病,/colorucolor=ff0000昔/color/ucolor=000000字应当替换一下。我建议替换成/colorcolor=ff0000**,/colorcolor=000000小鱼解释/colorcolor=ff0000昔/colorcolor=000000和/colorcolor=ff0000夕/colorcolor=000000同意,我建议或者可以考虑换成/colorcolor=ff0000夕/colorcolor=000000字读起来更通顺/color/size/p 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